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 Won't kill myself 
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Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 6:58 am
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Post Won't kill myself
but must admit that I ponder death as a way out of all this suffering. I don't seem to ever get a break from it. It is with me all the time in one form or another or every form at once. I know that everyone here is of different beliefs and religions. Not pushing religion or beliefs. But I am confused about Christianity lately. I hear that God wants us to have life more abundantly and then I hear that suffering is part of life we must endure. I have always been a good person and loved others and most mistakes I made in life were all in the name of love. So I find myself older than my age, in physical pain, stiff all over, sleep issues, memory problems, missing more and more work due to sickness etc... Life just gets plain hard to deal with and I do not want to leave my children. I won't. But I just wonder how much one human can take? Just putting feelings here. Don't know where else to put them. Sorry to whine and burden people who are as sick as I am or maybe worse.

I forced myself to take a bath this morning. Bathing was all my life a treat and a way to relax until I got sick. Now it is a chore. No energy anywhere and no amount of rest even helps anymore I don't think.

Debra


Sun Jul 21, 2013 12:20 pm
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Post Re: Won't kill myself
Sorry Debra,

I know it is hard when it feels like you have no escape EVER. Some people get very afraid when they hear a person mention suicide, but you are right to talk about it. Sometimes just saying how you feel can be therapeutic all by itself.

You are absolutely right that you do not want to leave your kids. Kids have an enormous ability to forgive their parents for their many mistakes, but suicide is something that a child will probably never understand. I am saying something that you already know.

My son is something that really keeps me going. I know that he needs me. Every time I think, why am I sick, I don't deserve this....I realize that my son doesn't deserve it either. I have made it my biggest goal to make sure that my illness has little to no effect on him. It's a tall order, but that is my daily struggle, not his.

When I really think about it...thank God for our kids. Obviously, we love them like crazy to start with and they are a blessing no matter what, but they are a blessing for this illness too. They keep us going. They don't let us hide in bed all day feeling sorry for ourselves. We keep fighting for them when we are too tired or jaded to fight for ourselves.

Three other things|
1. These things come and go. Even though it seems like this stuff never lets up, we all have good times and bad times. Things will lighten up. We know better than to expect our lives to be perfect, but I can guarantee you will find yourself smiling in the future and saying, I am glad to be here. Picture one of your kids' weddings, graduations. You fight all of these daily battles so that you can enjoy moments like these.

2. As far as religion and understanding why this is happening...I don't think anyone knows. For a time, it made me feel better to think that I was paying for something I have done wrong in the past. I felt like, if I deserve this, I can accept it better. The truth is, no one deserves this. I think we all just naturally want to understand why. Instead of asking why, I started asking myself, why not? Why should other people get horrible illnesses, but not me. We are all vulnerable. It is just hard to accept.

3. SPOIL YOURSELF! Make some time every day to do things that you really enjoy. Even small things can make a difference. Lie down on a heating pad with a good book, eat chocolate, wear your favorite robe, listen to music. I know this will not solve any of your problems, but it will make them easier to deal with.

I put a lock on one bedroom in our house and made that area a sanctuary. It has a tv, ipad, junk food, supplies for facials, massage tools, heating pad, etc. I don't stay in there for long periods of time, but when I lock the door, everyone knows that I need a few minutes of "me" time.

Hang in there. We are all struggling. I know you have a lot of other stuff going on besides FM but now is the time to stay tough. Vent here. We get it.

JF


Sun Jul 21, 2013 10:33 pm
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Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 6:58 am
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Location: East Texas
Post Re: Won't kill myself
Thanks for the heartfelt response. I just get so down and out. I do not want to die. I know this for sure. And yes, my kids mean the world to me. But truthfully, I am unable to do much for them at all on my time off work. My husband does it all. It once was not that way. It makes me feel like much less a person but then again, I am struggling to work which seems to take all my energy I already don't have.

I just got out of bed after a good night of sleep for a change and feel like I was hit by a truck as usual. And yes, "why not me" I have said that before also. And I have also thought of what could I be paying for? Well truth is I guess I am not paying for anything. I don't know for sure. I do have faith in God but even find myself angry with him which I know is wrong. I must ask forgiveness again.

I am going to make it somehow. It may not be the way I want to make it. THings could change a lot in life now and there could be big adjustments. But it goes on.

*thanks*
Debra


Mon Jul 22, 2013 9:02 am
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Post Re: Won't kill myself
I bet you do a lot more for your kids than you realize. Maybe you can't drive them to soccer practice, but you can ask them how their day was. The second one is way more important. Give yourself more credit. :console


Mon Jul 22, 2013 11:01 am
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Post Re: Won't kill myself
Thanks. I am in a real funk right now. I have already had a diagnosis of major depressive disorder many years before fibro hit me. Now with the job situational stuff cropping up, I am not handling it so well. Don't even see how rent will get paid next month as everyone has stopped cashing our payroll checks anymore. I have looked for other jobs but I must qualify and there are so many health reasons I cannot take some of them.

hugs,
Debra


Mon Jul 22, 2013 2:05 pm
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Post Re: Won't kill myself
Do you qualify for disability?

JF


Mon Jul 22, 2013 10:36 pm
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Post Re: Won't kill myself
Sounds like you should be looking into applying for disability hon. You've got alot going on and having depression will greatly help your disability case. Just think, if you could not work and rest more, you would feel better, be able to enjoy life more, be there for your kids more and being on disability should give you medicare and access to much better health care.

Getting on disability was the best thing i ever did for myself. It didn't take away all my problems or make me healthy again, but for the first time since being so ill, I felt a real sense of hope for my future that had been so bleak before. Look into it and see if you qualify. In the meantime: :console . I prayed for a release from this life everyday for a couple of solid years. Like you, I didn't want to die but since I had worked so hard at getting better for so many years without any real results and I was sooo ill, so impoverished and had no one to turn to and no loved ones. Life was harsh, but now I'm more content than many people I know who are healthy, have money and loved ones, so hang in there babes, things can get better. Sorry this isn't written well, I'm pretty tired, but just wanted to send you some thoughts and hugs.


Tue Jul 23, 2013 6:17 am
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Post Re: Won't kill myself
I will try to be coherent. What you wrote concerned me and I didn't want to wait.

First, if this is a consideration for you, keep the hotline number handy and it sounds like you should be seeing someone with the training to help you. I believe your clergy can help.

You asked about religion, I believe we have a section for religion here and many religious people covering everything. Personally I am Jewish so won't be able to answer your question.

I do know this is 1 thing a child will never get over

also that no matter your physical state you teach your children and you have an effect on those around you. It is up to you what that will be

:hart :hug

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Life may control my health but I control my mood. I will choose the smile :)


Wed Jul 24, 2013 7:52 am
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